Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Misty Monday

So much had happened in 2 weeks, good and bad. And I didn't write about them until just recently. Realised I was letting the "bad" get to me more than the "good". That kept me down for a long time. Last monday morning was a beautiful sight. Feb 6, to be precise. What made it more beautiful than the other winter days was the fog. Visibility was almost nil. Slowly the sun rose, and light started to pour in through the incredible blanket of mist. That was when I took a look around the building. Here are some from that day...
Tried sharing that moment with some on the phone, but the lazy bones of my class wouldn't wake up... Lazy indeed!

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

LiveWire fused out

It started out as a good day. I didn't have that searing headache anymore, I didn't have any nightmares either. I woke up not too early, not too late. So didn't have to face dad's wrath (only mom's, coz i didnt tell her not to pack lunch for me).

Went to see my IMS tutor in the morning. He's started his own investment firm, so visited his office, a pretty room with a large bay-window, in an independent house all to himself. nice location. So met him, handed over my study material he had asked for one of his students, caught up on news of cat, xat, gmat, iims, mba schools abroad, prospects, and on and on. It was a good one hour before I saw the time !

Then headed to the Globus sale for some stuff, and wat dyu know... It's expensive in spite of the sale. Went to Marks&Spencer. Those ppl only have their design label, and it is twice as expensive as the first, despite the discount. Besides, they classified me as a kid... nothing to fit me.

Back home, quick lunch, and off to college for some serious informals work. Started at 3. There was a lot of general discussion before we could get into the crosswords. And the words just started flowing. I don't even know why those guys called me. They had names of anything and everything on their fingertips. Mythology, food, places, books, movies, you name it. All I had to do was play umpire just so they didn't waste time fighting !

It must have been 4 30 when the results were put up on the notice board. Of course, there was a lot of "running" commentary for about 15-20 minutes before that, from a classmate adept at running on heels! I had been anxious since last sem, and knew I hadn't done these exams as well as I should have. I didn't want to know my results, simply because I came here for a good 3-hour effort on my event. Add to that coming up with a caption for the t-shirt by late evening.

Silver called me to the hallway. He said he wanted to tell me about the result. I had to stop him right there, gave him my reason. He understood, and it helped me finish what I came for. At the same time, that he called me to speak in private told me my results might be what i feared. I tried pushing it away just until my work was over. Soon, I handed over the rough draft of the design to Silky, and was on my way to the notice board.

One arrear; optical fibre. Well, it's better than what I thought I'd get, but it is still a disaster. GPA 6.8, CGPA 7.4. Now how do I tell this at home ?

I shifted focus to others' results. Asif's was just above mine. He'd also lost ofc. So had many others. Some of my friends had lost many more, another had cupped in DIP! There was no dearth of surprise in cups. That was when I heard of the other batch's result fiasco. It was a personal vendetta, a blatant misuse of power. Unbelievable. The class topper had an arrear. For no fault of his. A guy with an impeccable academic record, an enviable reputation among the faculty, and brains I'd kill for. You tell me he doesn't understand the subject and I'll tell you the earth is flat.

Then some fat bitch from the next class came to check out her score, celebrated aloud that she had an S in ofc. I had no right to ruin her joy. I just smirked and ran downstairs. That is when I saw for the second time the look on everybody's face, and understood why they had been that way ever since I saw them at 4 30. I realized I wasn't alone to feel the way I felt. I knew I wasn't the only one depressed. They had jobs, admits, calls as well. They hadn't prepared themselves for this. They had as much anxiety as I did for the future, starting that instant. And the moment I saw Asif's face, my turmoil worsened. This was the first time I had seen him so worried, so dejected, walking around by himself, sometimes on the phone, sometimes staring away from the crowd. Here's a guy with 5 calls, his first gd/pi hardly a week away, having to face the trivialities of one woman's PMS. I had to be nuts to think he'd waltz through it with a smile.

The whole time, I realized I was doing the same thing. It was hard not to break down. I kept welling up, kept consoling myself. I walked away from people from time to time. kept talking to myself so i wouldn't start weeping.It worked. I called nerd. Lucky, he was home. Didn't tell him the news, just told him I needed to come over. It was 6 30 when I reached the parking.

Reached nerd's at 7. Spent an hour, with both of us trying to make sure I got the big picture - this isn't the end of the line. The future is uncertain. Which means something good can still happen. Just hang on to that hope, walk down the path you were meant to take. It's for a reason. When I left, I knew I would be OK, for a considerable while.

I haven't told my parents even FMS n IITkgp. The last in the line of rejects. Hesitation out of fear, fear out of guilt. I'll have to tell them soon. Perhaps tomorrow morning. I can hold back the sem results until there is some development in the talks with the authorities.

Question is... how long can I keep a stiff upper lip ?


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